To gain self-confidence, the path of introspection leads to realizations and then comes behavioral change. But another route is possible: first focusing on behavior to influence one’s beliefs and feelings. How? By acting as if you were the assertive person you dream of being.
Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone
This is where you act without any apprehension, but beyond, you feel discomfort at the moment or afterwards, and also before: you then imagine all the reasons not to assert yourself because you believe you know in advance what will happen.
Yielding to a request that displeases you and justifying your decision is always more comfortable than the disappointment that comes from the famous I didn’t dare to say no… Asserting yourself simply involves declining politely, freed from the idea that you are being judged or the fear of offending.
The 4 Modes of Reciprocity
When dealing with interaction with another, 4 behaviors are possible:
- Being passive: sacrificing your pleasure and refusing to take the place that is rightfully yours.
- Showing aggression : asserting dominance over the other through force, physically or psychologically.
- Indirectly expressing your dissatisfaction while rejecting any improvement proposal: a solution as losing as the previous two.
- You assert: to take into account the wishes of each individual with the utmost respect for others. I would really like… What do you think? I’m uncomfortable in this situation… Could you? I ask you to…
Anyone goes as far as they are allowed to go
Here is the unwritten agreement that governs human relationships, without ill intentions. So, in order to be respected, it’s up to us to set our boundaries. Without this, we encourage the other person to take advantage and ourselves to want to be liked at all costs. What are the consequences of such behavior?
A poor self-esteem since we harbor regrets and anger for not having dared to position ourselves. Self-esteem of course depends on the consideration you have been given by your parents, your friends, your romantic partners, but also on your conscious strengths and weaknesses, and your successes and failures : it is not fixed in time. You are not who you were, but what you are becoming.
The relationship deteriorates given the resentment you harbor for not having said what you thought and which will sooner or later manifest in your attitude.
The door open to harassment : the unacceptable is made acceptable, as the absence of reaction is seen as supporting on the one hand, and encouraging on the other hand. Abusers know this and they arrange for their victims to stay silent when they cross the boundary of what can be tolerated.
Set clear boundaries about what is not tolerated.
Remember that an aggressor has no reason to stop his behavior if he does not have to pay the consequences.
So, under no pretext and without any mitigating circumstances, refuse:
- Hurtful, derogatory or humiliating remarks.
- The insults.
- Repeated sexual solicitations.
- Threats to your physical integrity.
- The blows.
Why do others do this to you?
We are all trying to give meaning to what we experience. But a difficult childhood, an inferiority complex, latent malevolence or sadistic tendencies in others that might explain their actions do not make them stop.
It’s because your fears hold you back that you sometimes let yourself be carried away. Don’t fall into the trap of this pseudo-consistency, a hideout for any manipulator: dare to challenge or change your mind. And for caution, always give yourself time to reflect before any commitment.
What are your fears?
I must not disturb inherited from the creed of not disturbing the elders of your childhood (imposed by exhausted or impatient parents). However, asserting oneself is claiming your space: not to seek attention, but to satisfy your needs instead of denying them. Being present is not disturbing.
- Fear of conflict concerns those who prefer a status quo with the option of sacrifice. Manipulators thrive on this. But different individuals, with sometimes divergent opinions and values, inevitably enter into conflict. Such is life in society. Let’s avoid prioritizing calm over respect for each individual.
What if the situation gets out of hand? Are you afraid of being caught off guard, stammering, being humiliated? This is what’s known as a worst-case scenario. Its realization is really unlikely and you anticipate that things might not go as you hope. Is that a reason to say nothing?
- The fear of being judged as self-assertion presupposes the satisfaction of the parties involved. But a superficial and ephemeral satisfaction (flattery) or temporary one (I give in to keep the peace) undermines the depth of the relationship. Long-term satisfaction is preferable.
To present the best image of yourself, ask yourself what is a good parent, a good spouse, a good friend, a good citizen according to you? So what is preferable in this sense: expressing disagreement, consternation or staying silent? To sacrifice oneself or to raise issues and seek to solve them?
- The fear of not being loved or being rejected. Great figures of peace have had their own detractors. But it’s impossible to be hated by everyone, you know that. And do you like everyone in your surroundings? We can’t please everyone all the time.
So instead of aiming for unanimity, aim for everyone’s respect, and that’s exactly the point of self-assertion. As for this fear of rejection, it dates back to a bygone era: a small child left to its own devices indeed cannot survive, but as an adult, you have the resources to cope.
How to take power away from your fears
You are not your fear and you can choose to listen to it or not. To take some distance, mentally verbalize your fear not in the form of I’m afraid I won’t make it but rather tell yourself I’m thinking that I won’t make it.
Some prefer positive thoughts like ‘I can do this’, but that only works if you are convinced of it. The act of distancing is not an act of faith, but an awareness. Granted, the source of the anxiety is not cured, but you now have temporary respite to affirm yourself.
Thoughts are not reality
Most of your thoughts are automatic and when you are going to step out of your comfort zone, they become anxiety-inducing. You didn’t choose to scare yourself : so you can recognize these thoughts that blame you, criticize you, reject you, and against which you are alone. These are just thoughts. The brakes placed on self-assertion are therefore in the anticipation of what reality will be, and not in reality itself.
Distance or Relativize?
Distancing is about stating before naming your fear: my mind tries to make me believe that… or repeating it mentally with a ridiculous voice like that of Donald Duck. It’s also about watching as a spectator your windmill that spins and gets carried away under the wind of your fear and observing the unreal disaster scenarios that you are capable of concocting.
Relativize, is to highlight the irrational or exaggerated side of thought by observing other aspects of it or replacing them with thoughts you have chosen and which will be more favorable.
And intuition?
She is of a cautious nature and not very talkative, you will recognize her easily. Moreover, she bases herself on elements that your conscience has ignored but that you have perceived unconsciously. Whereas your anxious anticipations are noisy and talkative, accompanied by unfavorable comments about you.
What you say or do in respect of the other does not turn against you
Any request can be denied, any comment can be debated, any suggestion can be nuanced. What is the worst you risk? A denial? The earth will continue to spin. Imagine the feared scenarios from a favorable perspective beforehand or replay the ones where you regret not having asserted yourself with the proper behavior. With enough practice on who you wish to be, you will become that person.
Guilt, another obstacle to self-assertion
It is born because you anticipate what is going to happen or you refer to situations already experienced. You have this feeling of being guilty, of having done wrong or hurt someone. It is a real psychic poison.
The antidote is realizing that you have a choice
Feelings and emotions impose themselves on you, but the way you express and manage them is a choice. For example, when you are upset, it is indeed you who decide whether to politely express your annoyance or to give free rein to your anger by shouting. This allows you to act constructively. And in return, you become responsible for the reactions you decide to implement.
Assigning the responsibility of one’s feelings to another
“You’re getting on my nerves” doesn’t make any sense. No one can upset you but yourself. That’s why methods of interpersonal communication insist on the correct usage of I-messages: I get angry when you tell me… This upsets me when I learn that… Not assuming responsibility for one’s own feelings is a victim mindset inherited from your childhood, when your educators made you feel guilty with accusations such as “because of you” or “it’s your fault” for feelings that did not belong to you.
You were then unconsciously led to change your behavior in the desired direction. It was a form of taking power and influence.
Ending Guilt
Everyone can choose how they want to react. When you decide to assert yourself, you choose to consider the satisfaction of each participant rather than that of one or the other exclusively. This attitude is unimpeachable. It creates the conditions for a quality relationship. And even if your interlocutor takes offense, it’s their responsibility and it’s not up to you to handle it.
Her reaction was triggered by your action but it was not caused by it. You therefore do not have to feel guilty about it. If you do, you take on what doesn’t belong to you but you also deny her free will and risk infantilizing her.
Knowing How to Ask
We have all identified love with how our parents reacted to our cries or the care they gave us because they could anticipate our needs. As adults, some still hold the belief that the one who loves them will meet their expectations without them needing to express them. However, knowing and daring to ask is the pillar of self-assertion.
A request is certainly not:
A riddle whose content implies what you want. For example: do you think it’s normal that your stuff is laying around in the living room? instead of simply saying: can you clear your stuff from the living room? Nothing is obvious, it’s better to make clear and explicit requests.
- A reproach. You thought that what was bothering you would sort itself out. But it did not, and now you explode: I’m fed up, you never tidy up anything. The reproach always concerns a past fact that is confined to it and it invites the other to justify themselves rather than to act.
- An order. And this is not a matter of tone as some master the art of giving you orders in a calm and polite way. The request leaves you the choice to act or not, not the order. Who has the legitimacy to give orders? Parents towards their minor children for their well-being and integrity, hierarchical superiors in a professional context in reference to a contract and regulations, and the authorities according to laws intended to protect anyone and the designated sanctions. Outside of these specific contexts, orders are not valid.
- A weakness. Some equate it to any request as if they were caught in the fault of not being able to manage on their own. Others feel indebted when the other person accedes to their request, thanks to this biased educational principle that it is better to give than to receive.
- Manipulation, that is, an illegitimate power, indirect and hidden that seeks to influence you. A request excludes any measure of retaliation. If you feel forced to act, you lose your freedom. Therefore, know the laws and regulations of those who employ you to legitimately refuse the execution of instructions given outside the framework.
What is an effective request?
It’s a clear, direct, and precise request.
“ Can you lend me your car this afternoon ” is more explicit than ” my car has broken down, what am I going to do? “
” Marie, can you help me finish this file ” is targeted as opposed to ” it would be nice if someone could help me“
” I would like you to be home by 6:30 at the latest because we are dining at 7 ” is more concrete than ” don’t be too late “.
Knowing How to Refuse
You must be able to say NO. Only a firm and clear refusal, without justification or mitigation, effectively prevents the insistence of your interlocutors.
The attenuation of the no is noticeable
If you doubt the validity of your refusal, you are going to say no without saying it. You fear being unpleasant or judged and use a myriad of polite phrases, euphemisms, sweet roundabouts like no, you see, I would love to but… I’m sorry, but next time… However, a refusal is always legitimate as long as you have decided it.
Why justify yourself?
We often equate saying no with making a mistake. The specter of disobedience lurks, as does the fear of disappointing or generating conflict. Sometimes, out of empathy, we put ourselves in the shoes of the one who will be frustrated by our refusal. On the contrary, notice that we accept things without making a fuss.
However, justification serves as a lever for anyone who wants to manipulate or influence you: they can sense your discomfort and confusion. They can then bombard you with questions and try to make you feel guilty. It is your inalienable right to choose. You can provide arguments for your refusal that explain the reason, but justification fills a discomfort.
Your ability to say no frees the other
He knows that you know how to say no, so he will have no inhibition in making his requests. And when you dare not ask, isn’t this a reflection of your inability to say no?
It is not because things are difficult that you dare not do them, but because you dare not do them that they seem difficult to you. Daring to ask clearly and firmly refuse will make all the difference in your life. This attitude does not oppose generosity, but rather completes it.
Dare to Displease
You then open up the realm of possibilities of what you dared not do until now. Work, is always on the anvil with self-assertion. You cannot stop and rest thinking that you are finally assertive. You will have new challenges at every moment of your life.
The key is to keep in mind that your actions influence your thoughts and the image you have of yourself. Be the change. The saying goes ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’, but since self-esteem is at stake, risk the ‘he who dares nothing, is nothing’.